Highlighting odd and off-beat new and releases to watch instantly on Netflix
Weekly Recap for June 19 – June 25, 2011 & June 18, 2011
Welcome to the all-new Instant Gratification!
A brief introduction. I’m Matt Dunn, the foul-mouthed ex-newspaper reporter and film fanatic whose job around here is to keep the Critical Masses classy. No doubt you know me from my award-winning online blog, 50 Movies for 50 States. You’ve probably read a review I did of a little movie called Curly Sue, which inexplicably happens to be the most-viewed article on the Critical Masses ever. (I’ve tried asking the film’s star, Alisan Porter, about the phenomenon, but so far she’s been ignoring my inquiries — which probably has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve probably come across as a complete psycho. Or maybe she’s just a stuck-up bitch.)
So let me tell you how this column works. Throughout the week I’m going to periodically update you on new cult, exploitation and horror films being released by Netflix to watch instantly on your Blu-Ray DVD player, Xbox 360,Playstation 3, Wii, Roku or computer.
Of course, Netflix often adds dozens of titles to its streaming library on a single day and it’s impossible for one person to watch them all. So, every Saturday I’ll take a look back at this past week’s highlights and talk about the films I have watched this week on Netflix Instant in addition to whatever other stream-of-consciousness thoughts I might be having at that particular moment. We’ll also take a look at the week ahead, if possible.
Let’s take a look back at this past week:
New for Saturday June 18, 2011
Dracula’s Fiancee (La fiancee de Dracula) (2002), directed by Jean Rollin, with Cyrille Iste, Jacques Orth and Thomas Smith – As art critics, one of the things we strive for is to try understand the motivations and preoccupations of the artists we study through their life work. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until June 18, 2013)The Twilight Zone – Season 3 (1961) – If you’re from Philadelphia or New Jersey, maybe you have memories of WGBS Philly 57’s late-night Twilight Zone marathons. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until July 13, 2013)
Matt D.’s Father’s Day Pick for Sunday June 19, 2011
Creepshow (1982), directed by George Romero, written by Stephen King, with Hal Holbrook, Leslie Nielsen, Adrienne Barbeau, Carrie Nye, Ed Harris and Ted Danson – Here’s a movie that rarely gets brought up as much as it should in conversations about classic 1980s horror films. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until January 1, 2012)
Matt D.’s Instant Watch Pick for Monday June 20, 2011
Dunn & Vito’s Rock Tour (2007), with Ryan Dunn, Vincent “Don Vito” Margera, Brandon Dicamillo and Steve-O – Ladies and gentleman of the jury, may I direct your attention to Exhibit A, Dunn & Vito’s Rock Tour, a documentary (in the loosest sense of the term) chronicling former Jackass cast members Ryan Dunn (no relation) and Vincent “Don Vito” Margera’s rock concert/freak show 2005 cross-country tour. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until November 1, 2011)
New for Tuesday June 21, 2011
Wife to Be Sacrificed (1974), directed by Masaru Konuma, with Naomi Tani, Nagatoshi Sakamoto and Terumi Azuma – Japan’s love of freaky sex is nothing new. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until June 21, 2013)
Make-out with Violence (2008), directed by The Deagol Brothers, with Eric Lehning, Cody DeVos and Shellie Marie-Shartzer – I am sick to death of zombie movies. We are all sick to death of zombie movies. Based on the trailer, this feels different. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until June 21, 2012)
New for Wednesday June 22, 2011
Behind the Burly Q (2010), directed by Leslie Zemeckis, with Alan Alda, April March, Tempest Storm, Blaze Starr and Kitty West – Buried amongst episodes of Dragnet, H.R. Pufnstuf and Nanny 911 added to the Netflix instant watch library this fine humpday is a both comprehensive and entertaining documentary on the history of burlesque. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until June 21, 2013)
New for Friday June 24, 2011
Switchblade Sisters (1975), directed by Jack Hill, with Joanne Nail, Robbie Lee and Chase Newhart – I’ve never seen this, but the fact that it’s one of Quentin Tarantino’s favorite films makes me want to not like it already. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until June 1, 2012)
The Telling (2009), directed by Nicholas Carpenter, with Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison – Here’s a horror anthology movie that subscribes to the rule that a proper horror anthology movie should include at least one story involving a killer doll. (Click here to read the rest) (Available until March 1, 2014)
So the big film for me this week — the only one I can honestly say got my full and undivided attention — was Wife to Be Sacrified. Directed by Masaru Konuma, Wife to Be Sacrificed is a highly-stylized S&M-themed Japanese softcore skin flick. It was my initiation into “Roman Porno,” as the genre is called.
Wife To Be Sacrificed is not the type of film I could see myself watching all the time. It certainly wasn’t enjoyable, although I could see how it would be enjoyable to someone who considers bondage and humiliation to be one of their sexual kinks. To put it bluntly, it was a nasty sort of film — although one that was shot beautifully, a quality which allowed me to sit through scenes like a woman being forced to defecate in a dirty outhouse, filmed in nauseating detail, while her captor watches on lecherously. Or a later scene, where that same woman is now being forced to assist her “master” give another captor an enema. Once again, if feces is your kink, that’s your business — it just doesn’t happen to be something that turns me on.
I am glad I w atched Wife To Be Sacrificed, because I like to be exposed to all kinds of cinema. I would even go as far as to say it was a very good film, for what it was. But I don’t think I would recommend it to most, given its subject matter.
Another movie I planned to watch was Switchblade Sisters, which I didn’t think much of until hearing that it was a favorite of Bill, co-host of the Outside the Cinema podcast, and whose taste in film runs similar to my own.
However, one of the things I love about Netflix is how it provides an audience for independently-made films that might not otherwise be seen. So I decided to come back to Switchblade Sisters at a later date and, instead, watch a little indie film this morning that Netflix was kind enough to license as a “Watch Instantly” title for another two months beginning today. This was great, since I imagine (based on its lack of coverage in the film blogosphere) that a good many movie fans weren’t fortunate enough to catch the 2006 teen sex comedy, Gettin’ It, before its license ran out.
Since sarcasm doesn’t translate well into text, I’ll put it more directly. Fuck this movie.
Obviously I wasn’t expecting Citizen Cain. I wasn’t even Citizen Ruth. I mean, just look at the DVD cover. What is that guy in blue looking at? Is he looking at us with a look of surprise, as if to say, “You’re sure about this? I mean … this movie’s called ‘Gettin’ It.’ Not ‘Getting It’ but ‘Gettin’ It.’ You realize that’s maybe the worst name for a movie ever. Wait, you are serious. You’re not just planning to jack off to the scantily-clad ladies on the cover. You’re actually going to watch this? Well, shit. Let’s get this party started up in here then! Lights, camera, action!”
I guess I was hoping for one of those “it’s so bad it’s good” type of movies. But this movie just made me mad.
Gettin’ Some (And, yes … I cringe every time I have to type that) is about a teenager (the dude with the blue shirt) with a big dick who can’t get laid. That’s not necessarily an unfunny premise, but I — no lie — didn’t laugh once during this movie. (And if I did, I’m not admitting it to you.) The movie begins with the blue-shirted guy (His name was Silver. Why do I remember this shit?) about to get his hump on with some lady on a beach. The blonde in the bikini climbs on top of him and they’re about to get freaky when he suddenly he feels poking him in the butt. “Silver” looks down and there’s a crab pinching his ass. Then he wakes up in bed. It was all a dream. Then the credits roll. The sexy girl. The crab. That was the whole joke. How is that funny? How is that funny?!?
I’m not going to give you an entire recap. This isn’t 50 Movies for 50 States. Let’s just say that our hero has a series of unsuccessful (and unfunny) sexual encounters, including running into Jose Canseco’s Playboy model ex-wife, Jessica Canseco, who exposes her fake and tragically unsexy boobies. Finally, “Silver” meets a rich, good-looking older woman willing to have sex with him whenever he wants. End of movie, right? Nope. THERE’S STILL 45 MINUTES LEFT. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
At that point I turned the movie off, no longer fearing death.
Nick Gaitatjis, the piece of shit who wrote and directed this movie … I hate you. You should not be allowed to make movies … ever. I hope you die.
The rest of you, see you next week.
Follow me on Twitter at @CM_MattDunn.